Sunday, January 1, 2017

37 Survivors Of The Year 2016

 1.   Dick Van Dyke

He's been alive this whole time!  Seriously!

2.   Jimmy Carter

Hard to believe!

3.   Betty White

Wait, is that a baby lemur?

4.   Lynda Carter

I was going to put her on the other list, but no!  She's been alive the whole time!

5.   Jonathan Taylor Thomas

He may have taken the blue pill, but he's still alive!

6.    Ruth Bader Ginsburg

The notorious RBG survived 2016.   4 more years left to go.

7.   Morgan Freeman

He's getting up there.  You'd think this would be low-hanging fruit for 2016.

8.   James Earl Jones

I thought he died right after Lion King.  I was going to put him on the other list.   Nope!

9.   Joyce Carol Oates

Still alive!  Unbelievable.

10.   Hallie Eisenberg

Remember the time Pepsi Girl died tragically in 2003?  Me neither!

11.   MacCaulay Culkin

Ok, you already knew he was still alive because of Saved, probably.  You would've been kind of sad though right?

12.   Jaleel White

Alive and looking better than ever.  He's all like, "Survive 2016 - did I do that?"

13.   Paul McCartney

His singing voice went to crap decades ago, but he's a good guy, and by all measures, 2016 should have killed him.

14.   Chico

This bastard is 16 years old.  In dog years, he's basically an archlich.  Mancha, only 14 years old, also made it.

15.   Bernie Sanders

Hell yeah!

16. and 17.   Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen

2016 couldn't take down either of these old guys no matter how much Millenials adore them?  Pathetic!

18.   Malala Yousafzai

Survived a bullet.  Survived 2016.

19.   Rick Moranis

More like "Honey, I had to shrink my acting commitments to raise kids by myself after you died," amirite?

20.   Mel Brooks

Alive, but not getting any younger, Mel Brooks needs to stop dragging his feet on that Spaceballs sequel.  Maybe guilt Rick Moranis into getting into the studio sooner rather than later.

21.   John Williams

Hiding in plain sight!  His new riffs just aren't as catchy as his old stuff I guess.

22.   Julie Andrews

 Also alive.  I had no idea.

 23.   "Sully" Sullenberger

Landed a plane in the freaking ocean and no one died.  2016 couldn't bring him down, either.

24.   Stephen Hawking

Close, but no cigar.  Points for trying, 2016.

 25.   Whoopi Goldberg

Whoopi Goldberg hasn't even missed a beat, let alone died.

26.   Haley Joel Osment

Off the radar but not dead, this kid saw all the dead people of 2016.

27.   Kathy Bates

Hello.  My name is Kathy Bates, and I'm doing fine, thank you.

28.   Buzz Aldrin

The shirt says it all.

29.   Elizabeth Warren

These banks aren't going to regulate themselves, clearly.

30.   John Shelby Spong

I don't often have genuine respect for religious points of view, but when I do, it's usually coming from an Episcopal.

31.   Jonathan Goldsmith

The Most Interesting Man In The World may have been retired from his role in 2016, but not from the mortal coil.

32.   Grumpy Cat

Make it so, Grumpy Cat.

33.   Ringo Starr

Ringo Starr survived 2016 too, not that anyone cares.  I'm just padding the list, I guess.  He's shown above looking like he's auditioning for U2 or something.

34. and 35.   Herbie Hancock and Wayne Shorter

These contemporaries of Coltrane and Davis are still here and still playing.  But Wayne is noodling around with Free Jazz a little too much these days.

36.   Carole King

It's not Too Late, Baby, to hear Carole King in concert, so you really should try to make it.

37.   Mancha

You're an old dog, Mancha, but not as old as Chico.

Saturday, December 31, 2016

37 People Who Definitely Did Not Die In 2016

1.   John Ritter

It's hard to believe that this guy died way back in 2003 and not in 2016.

2.   Rosa Parks

What a horrible, horrible year 2016 has... Oh wait, that was 2005.

3.   Kurt Vonnegut

Kurt died in 2007, living in an America that still believed there would never be a Black President of the United States.  So it goes.

4.   Dave Brubeck

2016 came early for this cool cat and all-around good guy who fought segregation before it was cool.  How early?  Well, it actually was 2016, if you give or Take Five.

5. and 6.   Don Adams and Barbara Feldon

These two Got Dead in 2005. 

7.   Robin Williams

That was 2014, but nice try!

8.  Philip Seymour Hoffman

 Also 2014.  Cursed year amirite?  He would've been a natural to play the role of Steve Bannon in a biodrama, but in all fairness, he would've hated every second of 2016 and probably prefers being dead.

9.  Dick Clark

That was 2012.  The Far Side promised we'd have flying cars before then, but they were wrong.

10.   Charles Schulz

Y2K was the year everyone thought we were all going to die.  Turns out you should've been worried colon cancer instead of the Y2K bug.

11.  Audrey Hepburn

She should've lived a much longer life, but 2016 killed this beloved activist and actor 23 years in the past.  That's how much 2016 sucks.

12.   Peter Jennings

That was 2005, the stealthy killer the internet forgot.  Try again.

13.  Gerald Ford

Died in 2006 at the senseless age of 92.  Dana Carvey as Tom Brokaw correctly predicted that he would not be eaten by wolves.

14.   Doris Lessing

All out of time or fucks to give for 2016, Doris Lessing died in 2013, Nobel prize in hand.

15.   John Nash

The Phantom Of Fine Hall was forgotten yet a second time in 2015, the year before The Year Everyone Died.  You haven't been hearing about this one much because he didn't make the list!  You have probably already forgotten his breakthrough achievements in game theory, economics, and Riemannian manifolds.  Did you know that a Riemannian manifold can always be imbedded into Euclidean space with a map that preserves the metric?  Don't feel bad - you'd fit right in with literally everyone in 1953.

16.   Princess Di

Everyone knows this was way, way back before 9/11.  1997 to be precise.  That's why she's so far down the list.
17.  Johnny Cash

This could have been the official picture of our feelings regarding 2016, but Johnny's empire of dirt crumbled in 2003.

18.   Fred Rogers

Also died in 2003.

19.   Whitney Houston

Lost her fight with drug addiction in 2012.

20.   Michael Jackson

Yeah, that was 2009.

 21.   Frank Buckles

The last US Veteran of WWI died in 2011.

 22.  Lillian Asplund

The last living person to remember the Titanic first-hand died in 2006.
 23.   Guy Fawkes

Seriously you guys, that was 1606.  Give it a rest.

 24.   Will Lee ("Mr. Hooper")

Died in 1982, never to be forgotten.

25.   Thelonious Monk

Midnight for this inimitable jazz pianist came 'Round 1982.

26.  Deckard Cain

 As much as we would all like to forget that Diablo III ever happened, the morons had him killed by an overly chatty mini-boss in 2012, along with the good will of an entire fan base.

27.  Pope John Paul II

 This was 2005, in case you wanted to know.  Like if you're into religion and stuff.

28.   Johnny Carson

2005 again???

29.   Beau Biden

Joe Biden's son died of brain cancer in 2015.  Close, but no cigar, Beau.

30.   Earl Hindman

Home Improvement's Wilson died in 2003 from lung cancer.

31.  Wilson the Volleyball

Not technically alive, it would have been impossible for Wilson the Volleyball to die regardless.  Lost at sea in the movie Castaway (2000) with Tom Hanks, his departure had all the emotional impact of death for millions of moviegoers.

32.   Sonny Bono

Died in a skiing accident in 1998.  His loss was tragic enough that it belonged in 2016.

33.   Steve Jobs

2011.  I never liked him that much though.

34.  Muammar Gaddafi

Kind of a scumbag, but now he's dead and we have ISIS.  In 2011, we came, we saw, he died.  Worth it?

35.   Oscar Peterson

The exuberant stride piano virtuoso died in 2007.

36.   Nelson Mandela

He died in 2013.

37.   George Carlin

This wise guy checked out in 2008.  Why let 2016 have all the fun?