MTaur

MTaur
MTaur

Sunday, January 1, 2017

37 Survivors Of The Year 2016

 1.   Dick Van Dyke






He's been alive this whole time!  Seriously!

2.   Jimmy Carter





Hard to believe!

3.   Betty White


Wait, is that a baby lemur?

4.   Lynda Carter


I was going to put her on the other list, but no!  She's been alive the whole time!

5.   Jonathan Taylor Thomas


He may have taken the blue pill, but he's still alive!

6.    Ruth Bader Ginsburg



The notorious RBG survived 2016.   4 more years left to go.

7.   Morgan Freeman


He's getting up there.  You'd think this would be low-hanging fruit for 2016.

8.   James Earl Jones



I thought he died right after Lion King.  I was going to put him on the other list.   Nope!

9.   Joyce Carol Oates



Still alive!  Unbelievable.

10.   Hallie Eisenberg



Remember the time Pepsi Girl died tragically in 2003?  Me neither!

11.   MacCaulay Culkin



Ok, you already knew he was still alive because of Saved, probably.  You would've been kind of sad though right?

12.   Jaleel White



Alive and looking better than ever.  He's all like, "Survive 2016 - did I do that?"

13.   Paul McCartney



His singing voice went to crap decades ago, but he's a good guy, and by all measures, 2016 should have killed him.

14.   Chico





This bastard is 16 years old.  In dog years, he's basically an archlich.  Mancha, only 14 years old, also made it.

15.   Bernie Sanders


Hell yeah!

16. and 17.   Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen


2016 couldn't take down either of these old guys no matter how much Millenials adore them?  Pathetic!

18.   Malala Yousafzai



Survived a bullet.  Survived 2016.

19.   Rick Moranis


More like "Honey, I had to shrink my acting commitments to raise kids by myself after you died," amirite?

20.   Mel Brooks



Alive, but not getting any younger, Mel Brooks needs to stop dragging his feet on that Spaceballs sequel.  Maybe guilt Rick Moranis into getting into the studio sooner rather than later.

21.   John Williams



Hiding in plain sight!  His new riffs just aren't as catchy as his old stuff I guess.


22.   Julie Andrews



 Also alive.  I had no idea.

 23.   "Sully" Sullenberger




Landed a plane in the freaking ocean and no one died.  2016 couldn't bring him down, either.

24.   Stephen Hawking

 
Close, but no cigar.  Points for trying, 2016.

 25.   Whoopi Goldberg
 


Whoopi Goldberg hasn't even missed a beat, let alone died.

26.   Haley Joel Osment

 
Off the radar but not dead, this kid saw all the dead people of 2016.

27.   Kathy Bates


Hello.  My name is Kathy Bates, and I'm doing fine, thank you.

28.   Buzz Aldrin


The shirt says it all.

29.   Elizabeth Warren


These banks aren't going to regulate themselves, clearly.

30.   John Shelby Spong


I don't often have genuine respect for religious points of view, but when I do, it's usually coming from an Episcopal.

31.   Jonathan Goldsmith


The Most Interesting Man In The World may have been retired from his role in 2016, but not from the mortal coil.

32.   Grumpy Cat


Make it so, Grumpy Cat.

33.   Ringo Starr



Ringo Starr survived 2016 too, not that anyone cares.  I'm just padding the list, I guess.  He's shown above looking like he's auditioning for U2 or something.

34. and 35.   Herbie Hancock and Wayne Shorter


These contemporaries of Coltrane and Davis are still here and still playing.  But Wayne is noodling around with Free Jazz a little too much these days.

36.   Carole King


It's not Too Late, Baby, to hear Carole King in concert, so you really should try to make it.

37.   Mancha


You're an old dog, Mancha, but not as old as Chico.

Saturday, December 31, 2016

37 People Who Definitely Did Not Die In 2016

1.   John Ritter


It's hard to believe that this guy died way back in 2003 and not in 2016.

2.   Rosa Parks


What a horrible, horrible year 2016 has... Oh wait, that was 2005.

3.   Kurt Vonnegut


Kurt died in 2007, living in an America that still believed there would never be a Black President of the United States.  So it goes.


4.   Dave Brubeck


2016 came early for this cool cat and all-around good guy who fought segregation before it was cool.  How early?  Well, it actually was 2016, if you give or Take Five.

5. and 6.   Don Adams and Barbara Feldon

These two Got Dead in 2005. 

7.   Robin Williams


That was 2014, but nice try!

8.  Philip Seymour Hoffman


 Also 2014.  Cursed year amirite?  He would've been a natural to play the role of Steve Bannon in a biodrama, but in all fairness, he would've hated every second of 2016 and probably prefers being dead.

9.  Dick Clark




That was 2012.  The Far Side promised we'd have flying cars before then, but they were wrong.

10.   Charles Schulz


Y2K was the year everyone thought we were all going to die.  Turns out you should've been worried colon cancer instead of the Y2K bug.

11.  Audrey Hepburn


She should've lived a much longer life, but 2016 killed this beloved activist and actor 23 years in the past.  That's how much 2016 sucks.

12.   Peter Jennings


That was 2005, the stealthy killer the internet forgot.  Try again.

13.  Gerald Ford



Died in 2006 at the senseless age of 92.  Dana Carvey as Tom Brokaw correctly predicted that he would not be eaten by wolves.

14.   Doris Lessing





All out of time or fucks to give for 2016, Doris Lessing died in 2013, Nobel prize in hand.



15.   John Nash





The Phantom Of Fine Hall was forgotten yet a second time in 2015, the year before The Year Everyone Died.  You haven't been hearing about this one much because he didn't make the list!  You have probably already forgotten his breakthrough achievements in game theory, economics, and Riemannian manifolds.  Did you know that a Riemannian manifold can always be imbedded into Euclidean space with a map that preserves the metric?  Don't feel bad - you'd fit right in with literally everyone in 1953.

16.   Princess Di



Everyone knows this was way, way back before 9/11.  1997 to be precise.  That's why she's so far down the list.
  
17.  Johnny Cash





This could have been the official picture of our feelings regarding 2016, but Johnny's empire of dirt crumbled in 2003.

18.   Fred Rogers




Also died in 2003.

19.   Whitney Houston





Lost her fight with drug addiction in 2012.

20.   Michael Jackson


Yeah, that was 2009.


 21.   Frank Buckles


The last US Veteran of WWI died in 2011.


 22.  Lillian Asplund
 


The last living person to remember the Titanic first-hand died in 2006.
  
 23.   Guy Fawkes


Seriously you guys, that was 1606.  Give it a rest.

 24.   Will Lee ("Mr. Hooper")



Died in 1982, never to be forgotten.

25.   Thelonious Monk




Midnight for this inimitable jazz pianist came 'Round 1982.


26.  Deckard Cain





 As much as we would all like to forget that Diablo III ever happened, the morons had him killed by an overly chatty mini-boss in 2012, along with the good will of an entire fan base.



27.  Pope John Paul II





 This was 2005, in case you wanted to know.  Like if you're into religion and stuff.

28.   Johnny Carson


2005 again???

29.   Beau Biden






Joe Biden's son died of brain cancer in 2015.  Close, but no cigar, Beau.

30.   Earl Hindman



Home Improvement's Wilson died in 2003 from lung cancer.

31.  Wilson the Volleyball



Not technically alive, it would have been impossible for Wilson the Volleyball to die regardless.  Lost at sea in the movie Castaway (2000) with Tom Hanks, his departure had all the emotional impact of death for millions of moviegoers.

32.   Sonny Bono




Died in a skiing accident in 1998.  His loss was tragic enough that it belonged in 2016.


33.   Steve Jobs



2011.  I never liked him that much though.

34.  Muammar Gaddafi



Kind of a scumbag, but now he's dead and we have ISIS.  In 2011, we came, we saw, he died.  Worth it?

35.   Oscar Peterson



The exuberant stride piano virtuoso died in 2007.

36.   Nelson Mandela







He died in 2013.


37.   George Carlin


This wise guy checked out in 2008.  Why let 2016 have all the fun?